The phrase ‘shut up’ should have no place in your conscious parental vocabulary. It is a command that carries a lot of negative connotations. You’re essentially telling your child what they have said is undeserving of a proportionate response. It is dismissive and can be humiliating for the child.
Hypothetically speaking, if one were to exercise some sort of harsh parental law-and-order, telling your kid to ‘shut up’ would seem very convenient. You’d be able to communicate your frustration and maybe even have them stop right in their tracks. Therefore, it’s vitally important to note that:
With good parenting comes GREAT responsibility
With parenting comes power and with good parenting comes great responsibility. In a child-friendly setting, those words are most definitely rude and demeaning. You must remember that a child is not a socially conditioned adult; they are sensitive and more likely to take it to heart.
Yes, saying ‘shut up’ in an adult environment is not always bad. Used in a passive way, it’s good for signaling your discontent at a provocative older brother or sniggering friend. However, this phrase – useful as it may be – is not exactly a child-friendly choice:
Parenting is a combination of choices; good parenting is a combination of good choices
A subset of choice is word choice. You must start to become aware of what you say and if it will fit well with a young impressionable mind. Wherever there are choices, there are alternatives. What I’m proposing to you is that ‘shut up’, the step-sister of profanity, is not the best word choice in any situation. There are better alternatives that you can use to get the same effect, without the guilt of having belittled your child.
Of course, the best choice is to listen to what your child is saying. Listening to them will make them feel confident and encourage a healthy environment where your child feels comfortable sharing things with you. However, there will be times where you’ll have your hands full or are tired from a long day of work. Other times you’ll find yourself being incessantly shouted at and ignored. In those situations, here are some phrases that you can use:
Use alternative phrases like, “is this a good time?” or “stop yelling”
Unfortunately, saying ‘shut up’ is effective, so most people will use it for quick relief. You will likely elicit a reaction, and more often than not, it will communicate your frustration. However, you cannot escape the residual belittling that comes with it. If you need your child to stop yelling at you, a better, more compassionate alternative would be to ask: “is it good to shout when mummy/daddy is working, remember we discussed this?”. This will allow the power dynamics of your parent/child relationship to shift in your favor both seamlessly and respectfully.
The key is to control your child’s behavior without coming across as controlling. For some that’s a hard balance to strike as the line between ‘maintaining control’ and ‘being controlling’ increasingly becomes blurred as frustration grows. If you feel the situation slipping from your grasp you can always use a more direct approach by saying “stop yelling”. Just remember to keep calm as your child will then be more likely to do the same.
If you’re still questioning the effectiveness of these alternatives, don’t worry. I have a few more suggestions that will save you from using this awful phrase.
Get creative with your approaches
Play games with your kid. Yes, games, not mind games!
Mix it up:
A little fun will get their mind away from the conversation – I find Pictionary and Hangman to be quite engaging, and they get you thinking as well!
Sometimes silence is the best strategy – You could play ‘Who Can be Silent the Longest?’, when scrolling through your diary and emails.
Play-Doh is also a tried and tested solution for getting your kids to put their minds to a more artistic activity.
A bad word said with good intentions can still come across as cold, especially to a sensitive child
It may be tempting to tell your child to ‘shut up’ when they are annoying on purpose. However, this is not the right way. Even when the child knows that they are doing wrong; even when you know it’s deserved; and, even when said lightly – It can hurt
Your child could be annoying you due to an underlying craving for attention or simply because they need to let off some steam. Saying ‘shut up’ is never the best option, especially when you have more light-hearted phrases like, ‘have a day off’, at your disposal
Finally, be prepared to change words and phrases you use in day to day life and learn as you go along!
It is very important to remember that it won’t be easy to make adjustments to your everyday language. Don’t worry, a slip up here and there is fine – we are fallible creatures – often easily-agitated, and most certainly imperfect! But, what we do have is a remarkable ability to learn and adapt. Learn from your lessons, just as you’d expect from your child.
Remember: With parenthood comes change and compromise, so:
Change your word choices – your appetite for humorous slurs at the pub must be left at the door when you come home.
Change your tone – If you communicate in a soft and calm manner your child will be more likely to imitate your approach to conversation.
Change your ignorance – What may not affect you can affect a child; good intent is often not good enough. Start using phrases that are child-friendly and show that you are listening.
Parenthood is a testing time but you can have fun and learn a lot if you just trust in and enjoy the process. The phrase shut up, shuts out. As above-mentioned, you want to create an environment where your child can share their experiences with confidence – there is no place for s—t up in conversation! From here onwards, it would be in yours and your child’s best interest to treat it as a curse word.
Shut up can also be taken to mean shut up your mouth or be quiet. Shut up is a more forceful command to say, “be quiet.” Adults dislike this term and think that it is a rude expression; however, the word shut up has lost its negative associations over time.
Wrong or not, the word shut up has been in existence since the 16th century and continues to be used today by both the young and old. Friends use the word shut up to keep the conversation moving.
When you say something funny and your friend tells you to shut up, don’t be quiet, it means to bring some more laughter. How you choose to use the word shut up is what makes shut up a bad word or not.
When Adults Use the Word Shut up
It is considered rude or impolite when you talk to an adult and use the word shut up. When the word shut up is used on an adult in a formal setting, it could be interpreted as disrespect or lack of courtesy on the speaker.
If you ask an adult whether or not shut up is a bad word, you will possibly receive mixed feelings. Today, adults will encounter the word shut up in regular conversations. It could either cause laughter in lighter conversations or result in someone throwing punches when talk gets heated up.
When adults use the word shut up in a friendly way, no one gets offended, but it is considered disrespectful when a younger person tells an adult to shut up.
When Not to Use the Word Shut up
Shut up is a word you should choose who to say it to and when to say it. Your tone of voice when you say shut up determines how someone responds to you. Though saying shut up is not a curse word, you may find yourself in trouble the moment you say it to a stranger or someone in a bad mood. Shut up is a word you may consider using with your friends.
Shut up is undoubtedly a bad word to use in a family setting. For a child to tell the parent to shut up is considered rude and offensive. Parents, too, should not use the word shut up when talking to children as this may start a power struggle in which the child will not be willing to lose.
Telling your boss to shut up is inappropriate, whether it is on a light or serious note. Shut up should not be used when addressing your seniors, especially at an official level.
In a conversation where you don’t seem to agree, saying shut up can intensify a conflict more quickly than profanity. When you feel offended by the word shut up, you may find yourself responding more loudly. Shut up can backfire when used in heated conversations, and it may even cause you to use profanity in response.
Why Teachers Use the Word Shut up
In a learning environment, your teacher may use the word shut up as a forceful command. When your teacher tells you to shut up, it sends warning signals that some harsher measures could be taken if you do not quiet down. Your teacher understands the impact of word choice and will use the word shut up to get through to you.
It is not considered improper or rude when your teacher tells you to shut up. Nonstop chatting by students is a distraction and robs other learners of a peaceful environment. It is common for a teacher to use the word shut up to get the students to keep quiet.
When a teacher walks in and shouts the word shut up, there is no mistaking it to mean something different. The word shut up sends a clear message to students; it is short, precise, and on point. The teacher need not say more about the situation.
Whether or not shut up is a bad word depends on who is saying it and to who. The word shut up, just like a coin has got two sides, each portraying a different picture. However, over time, the negativity surrounding the word shut up has been neutralized.
Friends use the word shut up jokingly, and teachers use it to get the students to keep quiet. Sometimes, the word shut up may sound offensive and can amplify a conflict faster than profanity.