Your baby crying with you, looking away, or settling faster for someone else does not mean your baby hates you. Those moments can feel painfully personal, but they do not measure your relationship. I would start with what your baby needs right now: feeding, a diaper change, comfort, less stimulation, or sleep. The American Academy of Pediatrics specifically explains that crying is not a sign that a baby dislikes their parent. [1]
If your baby turns away during play, stop trying to catch their eyes for a moment. Lower your voice, put the toy down, and give them room to pause. Notice whether they relax, remain tired, or become interested again. You are learning what helps, not asking your baby to prove affection. If you feel overwhelmed, put your baby safely in their crib and ask another adult for support.
If this moment feels unsafe, get help first
Never shake or hit a baby. If you might lose control, place your baby on their back in a bare, firm, flat infant sleep space, step away briefly, and call someone who can help. If you think you may act on thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, contact emergency services now. In the U.S., call 911 for immediate danger; call or text 988 for crisis support. [1] [13]
A baby who has trouble breathing, turns blue or gray, or is difficult to wake needs emergency care. A baby under 3 months with a temperature of 100.4°F (38°C) or higher needs immediate medical advice and assessment. Do not treat illness as a bonding problem. [9] [10]
Start with what happened, before deciding what it means
There is a big difference between “My baby cried when I picked her up” and “My baby cannot stand me.” The first sentence describes something you can investigate. The second leaves you trying to repair a relationship you have already declared broken.
I would gently put the question back into the first form. When did the crying begin? Was a feed interrupted? Had your baby already been awake for a while? Were three people talking, a television playing, and a toy moving close to their face? These details give you somewhere useful to start.
You do not need to pretend the feeling disappears because you understand the distinction. Handing over a screaming baby and hearing silence thirty seconds later can hurt. You can feel that hurt while leaving the explanation open. Another person’s successful cuddle does not tell you everything that happened before it.
Nor would I replace one unsupported conclusion with another: “Your baby cries more with you because you are definitely the safest person.” That may sound reassuring, but crying alone cannot establish why your baby is upset or rank their relationships. You deserve an explanation that leaves room for hunger, discomfort, timing, and the actual child in front of you.
The moment, the possibility, the next move
Make the question small enough to answer
This is an observation aid, not an attachment test or a diagnosis. Use the row that matches tonight.
- Your baby turns away while you play.
- They may need a pause. Stop the activity and watch for readiness to return. Following their face with yours can add more stimulation when they need less. [2]
- They calm after someone else takes over.
- Look at what changed: position, movement, noise, feeding, or simply time. Ask what the other caregiver noticed instead of treating the handoff as a competition.
- They cry during feeds, seem in pain, or behave unusually.
- Describe those symptoms to your baby’s clinician. A persistent feeding or health concern deserves assessment, even when your original worry was emotional.
SleepBaby.org · Notice the context before changing the bedtime plan.
Looking away can be part of an interaction
A baby does not need to keep looking at you for the whole cuddle or conversation. Bradford District Care NHS Foundation Trust explains that mutual gaze may be brief and that turning away can mean a baby needs time to process stimulation. It advises following that pause rather than forcing eye contact. [2]
That gives you a practical alternative to working harder for a response. You can stay nearby without adding another song, another toy, or a closer face. If your baby is comfortable, let a quiet moment stay quiet. If they become interested again, answer that interest. If they continue to fuss, return to their care needs.
I would be especially cautious about repeatedly testing this. A parent who is worried about being disliked can end up checking for eye contact all afternoon. Now every look becomes evidence, and every look away feels like fresh rejection. Try one ordinary interaction, then get on with the next part of the day.
“Give them a break” does not mean ignoring pain, hunger, or distress. It means changing the amount of activity while staying responsive. The NHS suggests slowing down, stopping an activity, or moving somewhere quieter when a baby shows they have had enough. [3]
Why does my baby settle for their dad, grandma, or another caregiver?
I would compare the circumstances before comparing the adults. The person who takes over after a feed, a clean diaper, and twenty minutes of rocking is entering a different moment from the person who started with a hungry, uncomfortable baby.
That is not a claim that timing explains every preference. It is a reason to resist deciding that you are the problem from one unequal comparison. Ask the other caregiver to describe what they actually do: how they support your baby’s body, whether they move, how loudly they speak, and when they offer comfort.
Look for a small useful detail you can borrow. Perhaps the room is quieter. Perhaps your baby wants less bouncing. Perhaps nothing obvious changes. “We don’t know yet” is a valid answer; you do not have to fill the gap with a story about being unwanted.
Babies can build close relationships with more than one regular caregiver. A warm bond with another adult does not use up the possibility of a bond with you. The AAP includes other family members and trusted caregivers in that circle of relationships. [4]
If you are the parent who gets handed the baby only when everyone is exhausted, ask for an easier slice of the day too. Take a comfortable diaper change, a brief morning conversation, or a quiet page of a book. I would not make your only time together the final attempt to rescue bedtime.
If you are the adult your baby currently prefers, help without grading the other parent. Offer the detail that worked and make room for them to learn. Avoid hovering over every movement or announcing that your baby “only likes” one of you. Those comments can stay with a parent long after the crying has stopped.
You can also stop an attempt that is going badly. There is no need to insist on a prolonged, escalating handoff to prove a point. Meet the baby’s needs, help the overwhelmed adult, and choose another low-pressure opportunity later. Participation matters more than winning this particular settling attempt.
Age changes what you can reasonably expect
A newborn cannot give the same social response as an older baby. The CDC lists looking at a face and smiling when spoken to or smiled at among milestones most babies reach by 2 months. That is developmental guidance, not a requirement to smile at every person every time. [5]
If your baby is not meeting milestones, loses a skill, or you have concerns about how they see, hear, move, or interact, tell their clinician and ask about developmental screening. Bring concrete examples. If your baby was premature, ask how their corrected age affects expectations. Do not wait for a smile to settle a concern you already have.
Later in infancy, separation anxiety can make a baby protest when a familiar person leaves. The NHS describes it as common from around 6 months to 3 years, with variation between children. It can include grandparents and other regular caregivers as well as parents. [6]
For a 9-month-old who suddenly wants one person at bedtime, I would keep the relationship question separate from the immediate transition. You can remain warm and involved while the adults work out a predictable response. If the distress continues or worries you, discuss it with your child’s clinician rather than simply waiting for a phase to end.
When every bedtime handoff feels loaded
Give the next caregiver a plan you can share
If the hardest feelings arrive during naps and bedtime, you can explore the Baby Sleep Miracle presentation together. The SleepBaby.org Workshop brings 15 guides and five audio tracks into a browser hub, including Tonight Rescue and Nap Rescue & Transition.
Use it as optional sleep guidance alongside the care your baby and family need. It does not diagnose a bonding problem, treat depression, or promise that one caregiver will become the favorite.
Build closeness into care you are already doing
Bonding can develop gradually. Not feeling an immediate rush of love, or not knowing exactly how to play, does not mean the opportunity has passed. The NHS describes everyday care and warm responses as places where a relationship can grow, and recommends asking for support if you are concerned it is not developing. [7]
I would choose one small part of your day that feels manageable. During a diaper change, tell your baby what you are doing. When they make a sound, respond and leave a little space. While they look at something, notice it with them. You do not need to create a performance every time you sit down together.
Keep the invitation easy to leave. If your baby turns away from a book, close it. If a song seems to add to the fussing, stop singing. A change of plan is useful responsiveness; it does not mean the activity failed. Your job is to pay attention to this baby today, not finish a list of bonding exercises.
Feeding is one opportunity for connection, but it is not the only one. Breastfeeding and bottle-feeding can both include holding, observation, and responsive care. The AAP discusses both in its bonding guidance. You do not need to change how you feed solely to prove your place in your baby’s life. [4]
If feeding itself is difficult, ask for feeding support. Describe coughing, pulling away, pain, poor intake, or other concerns rather than assuming your baby is refusing you personally. The next useful appointment might address a feeding problem, your emotional wellbeing, or both.
If you have returned to work, been ill, or spent time apart, I would start with the care you can offer now. Ask the regular caregiver about the baby’s current rhythm, including what has recently changed. Choose one ordinary part of the day to share when possible. You do not need to compensate for every hour apart with an intense reunion, and an overtired evening is a poor setting for testing whether your baby missed you. Make room for getting reacquainted without demanding a particular reaction.
One page is enough for now
Choose a comfortable, awake moment. Open a book to one picture, name what you see, and let your baby set the pace. You can stop before the end of the page. You can also talk without a book.
If you want this to become part of winding down, keep it brief and quiet. Shared attention is the point; finishing the story is optional. The AAP recommends following babies’ signals during book-sharing. [8]
Watch the small back-and-forth moments
The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University’s 5 Steps for Brain-Building Serve and Return shows adults noticing and answering young children’s interests. It offers something more practical than trying to earn a smile. [14]
Try this written takeaway: notice what interests your baby, respond, and leave time for their turn. Let an ending be an ending when they are ready to stop. This is a way to interact, not a test you or your baby must pass.
Bedtime does not have to decide how loved you feel
A baby who cries at the end of the day still needs you to consider the ordinary possibilities: feeding, comfort, illness, and readiness for sleep. I would not add extra play to a tired evening just to obtain a cheerful moment before bed. Try making the next step simpler and quieter.
Write down the sequence if it helps: the last feed, when the fussing began, what you tried, and what changed after the handoff. One or two useful observations are enough. A running tally of who got more smiles can make the day harder without helping either caregiver respond.
Our guide to crying and resistance before sleep looks at that transition in more detail. If the upset is specifically about your leaving, the guide to separation anxiety at sleep time offers a more focused next read.
Keep closeness compatible with safe sleep. Place your baby on their back in their own firm, flat, level crib, bassinet, or play yard, with only a fitted sheet. Keep books, toys, comfort cloths, and your clothing outside the sleep space. A sofa or armchair is especially dangerous if you fall asleep while holding your baby. [15]
If contact sleep is the only settling that seems to work, read our safer plan for a baby who sleeps on your chest. You do not have to use an unsafe sleep arrangement to demonstrate closeness.
If another caregiver is not available
Advice to “hand the baby over” can feel useless when you are the only adult home. I would make a smaller plan that does not depend on someone appearing immediately. Keep your phone accessible, identify whom you could call, and decide where you can place your baby safely if you need a brief pause. That sleep space should be ready before the most difficult stretch begins.
A person on the phone cannot supervise your baby, but they may help you stay connected while you decide what to do next. Say plainly whether you need conversation, someone to come over, or urgent help. If you cannot keep the situation safe, contact emergency services rather than relying on a message that might go unread.
For the following day, ask your clinician or local family-support service about practical help available where you live. Be specific about being alone for long periods. That is relevant information about the support you need, not evidence that you should be able to cope without it.
If the thought keeps returning, you deserve support too
Sometimes the concern is no longer just what your baby does. You may dread being alone together, feel numb during care, or spend the calmer parts of the day waiting for the next rejection. I would tell someone about that directly, even if your baby seems well and other people think everything looks fine.
Low mood, guilt, hopelessness, anxiety, difficulty enjoying things, and difficulty bonding can occur with postnatal depression. Trouble sleeping even when you have the chance to rest can also matter. These symptoms deserve professional attention; this article cannot tell you whether you have depression. Fathers and partners can experience depression after a baby arrives too. [11]
You do not need to wait until you meet every symptom on a list. Contact your doctor, midwife, health visitor, or a mental-health professional and describe how you feel, how often it happens, and how it affects care. If the words disappear when someone asks how you are, write them down beforehand.
For pregnant and postpartum people in the U.S., the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline offers free, confidential support around the clock: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). It can help connect you with further support. It is not a replacement for emergency care. [12]
Severe confusion, hearing or seeing things others do not, or unusual fixed beliefs after childbirth need urgent medical assessment. Postpartum psychosis is a medical emergency. If there is immediate danger, use emergency services and have a trusted adult stay with the parent and care for the baby. [16]
If you have frightening unwanted thoughts, tell a clinician rather than handling them alone. If you feel you may act on them or cannot keep yourself or your baby safe, use the urgent steps above now. Being precise about what is happening helps the person you contact find the right level of support.
Bring one concrete example to the conversation
You do not need a week of detailed tracking before asking for help. One recent example can give the conversation a starting point: when the crying began, what your baby was doing, how you responded, and what happened afterward. Mention whether the pattern is new and whether feeding, alertness, or other behavior has changed. Urgent symptoms should be assessed immediately, without waiting to collect more examples.
Then describe your side separately. Are you frightened before care begins? Do the feelings continue after your baby has settled? Are you avoiding time together, or finding it hard to rest when someone else takes over? This gives the clinician information about both your baby’s behavior and your experience. I would ask what the next step is, whom to contact if things worsen, and when to follow up. Leave with a plan you understand rather than another assignment to obtain a reassuring smile.
Make the request specific
You could say: “I keep feeling that my baby does not want me, and it is affecting how I feel when I care for them. I need help with the feelings and a break from the constant settling.”
For practical help tonight, ask for a defined job: take the next diaper change, bring dinner, sit with you during the difficult stretch, or care for the baby while you rest. A specific request is easier to act on than trying to explain the entire week at once.
You can reconnect after a difficult moment
You will sometimes miss a cue. You may keep talking when your baby wanted quiet, or try another cuddle when a feed was needed. Notice it, change what you are doing, and return to ordinary care. You do not need to turn the next interaction into an apology your baby must visibly accept.
The NHS emphasizes trying to reconnect when things have been difficult. [7] I would make that concrete: settle yourself, come back when you can respond safely, and attend to the need in front of you. If the difficult moments are frequent or frightening, get help with that pattern too.
For a partner or relative, the most useful response may be practical rather than persuasive. Instead of debating whether the baby loves the struggling parent, help them get some manageable time together and real rest apart. Listen to the feeling without agreeing that the baby is rejecting them.
An optional shared-reading choice
An Amazon board book for a quiet page together
Baby Faces by Margaret Miller, board-book edition. The publisher identifies this 14-page photographic book as part of the Look Baby! series, ISBN 9780689819117. [17]
Why it fits: pictures of faces give you something simple to notice together without inventing a game. Check before buying: confirm the board-book edition, condition, and current listing details. Use it during supervised awake time and keep it out of the crib.
Skip buying if: you already have a suitable book or can borrow one. A purchase is not needed to bond, and no book promises to change your baby’s feelings.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
For the next calm moment, lower the pressure
Meet the immediate need first. Take one quiet opportunity to be together. Accept a pause or a handoff without demanding that it settle the larger question. If your baby’s behavior concerns you, call their clinician; if the feeling of rejection keeps following you, arrange support for yourself.
I would pay attention to what helps you stay available, rather than trying to make your baby deliver reassurance on cue. You can offer the next feed, the next gentle response, the next clean diaper. Your baby does not owe you a smile for that care to count.
Sources
- AAP: Responding to your baby’s cries
- NHS Ready to Relate: Mutual gaze
- NHS: Understanding your baby
- AAP: Ways to bond with your baby
- CDC: Milestones by 2 months
- NHS: Separation anxiety
- NHS: Building a close relationship
- AAP: Sharing books with your baby
- NHS: Urgent medical help for young children
- AAP: Fever and your baby
- NHS: Postnatal depression
- HRSA: National Maternal Mental Health Hotline
- 988 Lifeline: What to expect
- Harvard: Serve-and-return demonstration
- NICHD: A safe sleep environment
- NHS: Postpartum psychosis
- Simon & Schuster: Baby Faces edition details
When the hardest comparison happens at bedtime
Make tonight about the next care step
The baby settles in someone else’s arms, and you are left with the feelings. Once everyone’s immediate needs are met, you can approach the next night as a shared routine. Explore SleepBaby.org for sleep guidance you can read together, without making bedtime a measure of who is loved most.
Sleep guidance is optional support. It does not replace medical care or help for persistent distress.
What viewers said10 comments · 4 replies+
Archived comments from the original Baby Sleep Miracle presentation. Not independently verified by SleepBaby.org; individual experiences vary.
Thank you so much for this video! I had no idea about the dangers of baby swings :O
Hi Mary-Ann. I have a question: Is method in any way similar to the ones recommended by Dr Bucknam, Dr. Weissbluth or Dr. Karp? We tried those but none of them help.
Hi Regina, thank you for your question. The short answer is no. The techniques I share in my guide are based on newest scientific research and this is why I have never seen any approach similar to the one I recommend.
This method really works! I tried it on my son Jesus and after just one week he went from waking up more than 5 times a night to waking up just once or twice. You are a lifesaver, Mary-Ann!
I'm truly impressed with how much information you share in your video. And all for free! I can feel that you truly care about mothers like myself, and that's hard to find these days. I have recommended your site to several of my friends already.
Mary-Ann, our child suffers from autism. Is your approach still suited?
Chloe, I made sure my method can be used with any child, even babies who are special like yours. Please note that I'm not a doctor and that I always advice to consult with your physician because nothing is more important than the safety and well-being of your love.
Hallo Mary-Ann, I'm from Germany. Do you have your guide in German?
Hello Heide, we do! Normally you should already see our video in German. If not, please contact our support so they can guide you
Thenk you for your answer, Mary-Ann!
I just completed your approach and I have to say, it worked almost too well. Yes, it took a bit of getting used to with your bedtime routine but the difference is huge. My son George used to take 1 hours to go down and now he's firmly asleep in no more than 10 minutes! You're the best!
It seems I'm the only man watching this video, lol! What you shared about the 'emotional backpack' made immediate sense to me and I can't wait to help my little girl Mila to unpack it!
Hey there, just discovered your site and this really sounds different. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing :)
For everyone who's still thinking about getting Mary-Ann's guide I want to advise you to go ahead. I wasn't sure myself but now I'm so thankful I invested in this program. It made a huge difference in our life as a family and yes, my baby girl does sleep through the night now.